Bird and I pulled out of our sushi spot with no where to go. It was my time to improvise. I know I was supposed to have the whole night planned out with an itinerary and maybe even a checklist. That isn’t me though. I have given a couple of speeches in my life in front of over 1000 people. I had plenty of time to prepare for these, but in the end, I’ve just winged every speech I’ve ever given.
I care about Bird a lot, but I am pretty confident in my improvisational skills. Hey, the speeches went fine, so should my date.
40 Days and 40 Nights is a movie from 2002; it stars Josh Hartnett as a sex-crazed 20-something man, who is beginning to see the futility in empty sex after drunken bar nights. This causes him to give up any kind of sex for 40 days. It is a huge deal in his extended circle of friends in San Francisco. They have bets and pools on when he will give up his quest of celibacy. Its a pretty funny/cute movie.
Of course, in the middle of the 40 days he meets a beautiful love interest. What is our star to do? He has only communicated with women through sex for so long, but sex is just a “small blimp on the radar” in relationships 😉. Our star, at times, barely knows how to use words to communicate. His 40 days of abstaining pushes him to find new ways to pursue connection. On their date, he takes her on a bus, and they just ride it all night through every stop. This was his “spot”. When he met a girl he really cared about, he would take her on the bus.
I always thought that was pretty cool. I saw this movie during my formative, middle-teen years. It left an impression on me, to say the least. I didn’t intentionally do it, but over the years, I realized I too have a spot. I have now taken 4 girls to ride the same old country roads in North Hinds county where my dad used to farm cotton, soybeans, and cattle. The stars are huge out there; the roads are rough; and the horizon is long and stretched over brown dirt plowed into money.
People in my family don’t believe me, but I grew up on that farm. I try to tell my young, whipper-snapper nieces and nephews about my old days spent tromping cotton and cutting calfs. They don’t get it, but let me tell you quickly about my dad’s farm worker named Brother, then you will believe me when I tell you that my dad’s farm was an important place to me when I was a little boy.
My dad had a worker named Brother. I don’t think this was his real name, but it should have been. it’s all i ever called him. When I was a little boy Brother was like family to me. He loved me, and i loved him. One time, my mom’s best friend came to watch the cotton pickers one October afternoon, and I could not wait to introduce her to Brother. Per usual, Brother had not taken a bath in over a week and was smelling quite ripe. He, also, had a smell of 2 day old whiskey on his breath. His shirt was tattered, but he was getting after some cotton. Brother would always get drunk Friday night and would call my dad or “Captem” every Saturday morning and would ask my dad to borrow money until the following Friday. This is why I knew Brother so well, because I was often with my dad on these Saturday mornings during my youth.
When my mom’s friend arrived, I called out to Brother, “Hey brother!! I have someone you need to meet. I’ve been telling her all about you, and she is excited!”
I then turned to my mom’s friend and said, “This is Brother! The guy I’ve been telling you so much about!”
I was so happy! It was like 2 sides of my family had met for the first time. As a little boy, I felt whole. I say all of this to say…I grew up on this farm. This place means something to me.
When Bird and I pulled out of the restaurant, I didn’t have a plan, but something in me called me to take her home to the farm. I have never understood why people love to hold hands with a girl while driving. I mean maybe for a little while, but what if I start sweating? No thanks, but then I drove Bird into the country and all that changed.
As we drove, I slid my hand to her side of the vehicle thinking we could just listen to music and find even more romance. Sounds exciting…well it was. When I reached to grab Bird’s hand she didn’t just hold my hand. She pulled my hand into her lap. One hand clang to me while the other softly tickled my forearm until i was completely docile but not in any way tame.
As the sparks in the air inched toward a magical crescendo, and we got lost on the old country roads of my youth, through the cold darkness, i saw an old graveyard off towards some woods. I mentioned everything was wet. I was going to have to drive over some slick, semi-muddy ground. I didn’t know what to do. You may be wondering why would Bardin want to take his beautiful Bird date to an old graveyard in the middle of a cold winter night?
Anyone asking that has obviously not seen the movie “Wedding Crashers”, when Owen Wilson’s character, who is lost on love and reading “don’t kill myself books”, goes and meets the Father of crashing weddings, Chaz, played by Will Ferrell. Chaz tells his down-on-his-luck protege that he doesn’t even crash weddings anymore. He crashes funerals now. As Chaz said that “grief is the ultimate aphrodisiac”, I knew Chaz was someone to listen to. He was living the dream....”MOM MORE MEATLOAF!!!!”
When i saw that graveyard, I thought of Chaz and wondered if he was correct. I didn’t have anywhere to be, and since my Bird was so busy playing with my arm, hand, and fingers, I didn’t figure she was going to fly away from me anytime soon either. I decided to pull up the grassy slope to park before we got out to check some stones. I didn’t want my car to cause any weird suspicions for other drivers of other cars traveling down this busy gravel road late late at night.
The roads at my deer camp used to be so bad that I have seen water and mud come over our old green, 4X4 Jeep’s hood. In high school, I had a winch on my Z-71. Anytime one of my redneck friends got stuck while mud-riding, I’d go winch them out. Suffice to say, I am a better than average dirt-track driver.
I no longer drive a 4x4 or a Z-71. I do drive a Jeep, but its a 2 wheel drive Grand Cherokee. As Bird and I climbed the slippery slope, I could feel my back wheels spinning. I did not like that. I knew what that meant. I looked at Bird; she had not felt what I felt. I knew we were going to have an interesting time getting to the concrete, but I was having too good of time to worry my date now. I decided I should just keep on going a little farther. Surely I could find higher ground. Eventually, I put my car in park. I didn’t think about the mud for the next little while. I am pretty confident in my driving skills and thought we had a pretty good shot at finding solid ground.
I know what most of you perverts are thinking by now, and shame on you! It really wasn’t like that. This was mine and Birds first date; she had not been on a real date in a while. I was trying to show her an unforgettable night. What could be more unforgettable than playing and flirting in an old-timy graveyard under the stars out in the country of my youth. She was getting the full Bardin treatment, and she was eating up every minute of it. We both were, because she was giving me the full Bird treatment. If you can’t tell, We had a great time doing our on little dance through the dark, cold night. Bird was nervous, and she talks a lot when she’s nervous. She would literally apologize for talking so much only to let the apology lead her into her next barrage of words. It was absolutely adorable. When Bird said my name, it was like it was her favorite word she’s ever said.
Sometime after midnight, we decided that we weren’t kids anymore. Both of us are in our mid-30’s, and we had about 45 minutes to drive to get Bird home. As, we started pulling out I could tell my tires were just barely cooperating. With each spin, my brain reeled a little more. I could tell I was going to have to get creative. I got out of the car to diagnose the muddy problem. My tire wasn’t sinking too much, but boy was it covered in a slick looking layer of mud. I had Bird move over into the driver’s seat, while strongman Bardin was going to push the SUV out of the pit and onto the concrete.
We went nowhere. I did get mud all over my legs though. I jumped in the drivers seat and hit the gas. My speedometer jumped up to 60, but we did not move an inch. I knew I need to change my approach, so I went searching. There was an old tower at the front of the graveyard about 125 yards from my car. It had some stuff on the inside of the tower. I found a street sign and a few piece of wood. I was really about to MacGyver my way into a hero’s cape, and I was pumped. As I walked back to save the day, I thought that I better warn Bird to not fall in love with me. I was trying to protect her heart, because everyone loves a hero.
I jabbed the street sign under my tire and told Bird to press the gas, as I pushed. The only thing that went anywhere was the mud that flew from the tires onto me. I felt really defeated. 1 am was approaching, and we were stuck in the mud in a graveyard in the middle of nowhere. Oh yeah, did I mention that we were both in our mind-30’s? Later my mom would tell me I was like a teenager, and that she was embarrassed for me.
My only option was to call someone to come pull us out. I first thought about calling Twain, Queen Bee’s husband. I decided against that fairly quickly though. The way Queen Bee has been acting, I figured she would bring the whole family and document the situation to use against me later. I couldn’t handle that kind of drama at this point of the story.
I decided to call Trey Jr. the Third, to see if he could throw his uncle a bone. He was definitely willing, but soon told me that he drove a Camry. There was no way he was going to be able to pull me out. I had not thought of this. He told me to call my niece Shaggy.
She had come to mind earlier, but I did not want to do it. Shaggy is 17. She drives a Z-71 with 2 inch spacers and big tires. She’s a girly girl in all the best ways who loves hunt and mud ride. I knew she would come and help, but I was in a compromising situation, and Shaggy is young. I wanna be a good influence to the younger members of my family, but I am only human, a wild human at that. I decided to give Shaggy a call. I just needed to impress on her to not tell others about my little situation. Judging by this story, I don’t think I need to worry about that anymore.
She was up and ready to help! Shaggy was going to get Trey Jr. the Third to ride with her to come save me. I was soooooo excited, but my Bird not so much. She was still having a great time with me, still tickling my arm, still smiling with her eyes and ears. She was concerned though. She was concerned about what my niece and nephew would think of her. She didn’t want them to think she was just some girl.
I totally understood that. Bird and I are trying to build something. When she meets my family, I want it to be under good circumstances. These kind of things are important to her, so they are important to me. She made me promise to make this known to them when they arrived to pull us out of the mud. After I promised, Bird relaxed and we continued to enjoy the crisp air of a night filled with music, electricity, laughs, and light whisps of touches.
I saw Shaggy’s lights pulling through some woods nearby. She was close, but I gave her a call to bring her all the way home to save the day. Shaggy and Trey Jr the Third got out of the truck, and I introduced them to my date. I said, “Y’all this is Bird. I just met her earlier at George Street. I call her Bird, because I don’t know her real name. She is very special to me. Y’all respect her as much as I do”
Bird cut her eyes at me, as I winked and smiled. I then properly introduced my date to a couple of my most important people. She was graceful and sweet as she said hello. It was time for me to get busy and get my car out of the mud. This is exactly what I did. Shaggy drove 30 minutes to solve a 30 second problem.
Bird and I had the best time on our first date. I may not be Casanova, but I know a little about romance. Bird may not be dangerous, but she is exciting. We laughed, ate, danced, talked, and saw visions of a future that sometimes even looked like a clear picture. It didn’t take long for rumors of my Bird’s beauty to spread around my family. Trey Jr the Third even said that there was no way Bird was my age and was too young to have kids. I made sure to let her know what a great opening impression she made. She liked being called beautiful, but she loved being called “too young”.
I am glad I had someone to call when I got stuck. My only other option would have been to call my dad. He had been in bed since 8 pm. There was no way I was letting Bird see that happen. We would have had to have walk back to Clinton. After walking 20 miles, Bird may not have felt the same way about me as she does now that I got a little help. If we keep flying, in 50 years, when Bird and I are done nesting, we may look back and owe our whole story to a teenage girl with a truck.
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