The Jailhouse Pranksters part 3/4
Hungry was really animated when he told me the story earlier that morning. One thing about Hungry is when he gets excited, he gets to talking fast. The only time I ever heard him speechless was when met my sister. This dude froze up then told her he was about 7 years younger than he actually is. My face had to look so crazy; I was shocked. I’m rarely at a loss for words. Quite the opposite actually; I usually have a clever comment for every situation. Once I wiped the look of dismay off my face, all I could say was, “No, you’re not.”
My sister was a bit confused, but she had been around other friends of mine before and knew things could devolve quickly. I say all that to say, on this morning Hungry’s mouth was working. He was talking so fast I could barely keep up. I was almost positive that at one point he said something about punking El Capitan, and something like “that dude knew he didn’t want none”. I don’t have great hearing. I’ve been to a lot of shows and shot a lot of guns, but I was pretty sure of what I heard.
I was so excited after that morning after Hungry and El Capitan’s early morning rendezvous, it took me all of two steps to travel the 150 yards from the module to El Capitan’s office. I told him what I had heard Hungry say; he needed to know. I don’t know why he needed to know, but no matter what Hungry said, my lines were set in stone way before I walked into El Capitan’s office.
I’ve mentioned before El Capitan is a hard man to read. After I told El Capitan what Hungry had said about handling him bad, he looked at me with a face that he made at me a lot. His eyes would kind of grimace and one side of his mouth was rise about a centimeter. He would then just sit there in silence, as I tried to read. Honestly, I think in that moment El Capitan was deciding if I was the conman he thought I was. The conman he told me on a daily basis that I was. El Capitan is one of those people that every action, every impression has a purpose. I think I was better at reading these than most, but this face mixed with trumpets of silence still cause awkward nervousness to rise in my gut.
No matter what El Capitan’s face was or was not communicating to me, I had said my piece. I knew that at some point El Capitan would bring up the crazy things Hungry had said. I also knew Hungry would have no idea what El Capitan was talking about. I moved on to the part of the conversation that had long term opportunity for me. I wanted to learn more about what El Capitan was doing up here in the middle of the night dressed as a ninja. There had been rumors that El Capitan was also a hitman. I didn’t subscribe to these rumors, because I was one of the few people who knew the softer side of the monster. The side that loves the people in his stead. The side that strived for excellence everyday. The side that taught me to strive for excellence everyday. My mentor couldn’t be a gov’t agent could he? No matter my feelings about him, things had happened that I could not ignore. Whether the rumors were true or not, I really needed to tap into the killer side of El Capitan for my next subject.
Like what I said about Hungry, all I wanted to do was plant a seed. I told El Capitan that I was glad he was up there checking on the CO’s. I told him I was leaving soon, and I knew that he was checking on the nighttime CO’s, but I had a pretty serious beef with one of the top levels members of jail administration. She was the 3rd highest ranked member of the staff. I worked just as closely with her on a daily basis as I did El Capitan. We will call her Deftone.
Deftone is much younger than most of the others in the administration. She was actually a few years younger than me, but in a world of corrections that is dominated by men, Deftone moved and thought with purpose. We immediately hit off. The first day we met, she said something smart and clever. You have to understand her position most people are scared of her at first. I was locked up; just like a FaceBook group, the number 1 rule was to not mess with the admins. I don’t care anything about unspoken rules. My ex’s can tell you, if you want me to follow rules, you better spell them out clearly. So when Deftone got sassy; I got sassy right back. I know no other way.
This began a great friendship. We would laugh and joke everyday, anything to pass the time. A lot of times, it was like we were both locked up. She worked a lot. Deftone and I would have what we called Jack Johnson Fridays. No matter what was going on, every Friday we would set aside some time to listen to his tunes and float away to sand and rolling tides. It was great. This did not mean Deftone and I didn’t have a few hiccups.
I am a hard guy to shut off. Deftone and I were friends; sometimes I forgot that she was also people’s boss. I forgot that I was an inmate sometimes. When she and I were alone I would say whatever came my mind, and she would say it right back. I also forgot that at the center of everything She was just a girl in her 20’s. I have often not said the right thing at the right time to many females in their 20’s.
Sometimes everything lines up and something really positive happens. Then again, sometimes things line up and are exponentially more disastrous than originally planned. One morning Deftone walked into the jail at about 7:30. I was close to the door as she walked in. I knew she was coming because of cameras. About 8 other people knew she was coming because of cameras as well.
As she opened the door, I noticed her hair wasn’t, ehhh, perfect. I wondered if she knew it looked the way it did. She had long blonde hair that she cared about. I appreciate it when my friends tell me I have something in my teeth or that I forgot to zip my pants. I figured I should tell to get to a mirror quick. I may have miscalculated how loud I said it. I didn’t yell it, but everyone in the room stopped and looked. Deftone looked at me like she may kill me. I really wished she would have. Instead, she went and told on me. I’ll say it again, Deftone was #3 at the jail, and she went and told on me to El Capitan.
Well, El Capitan acted really concerned to Deftone. Oh yes, Bardin shouldn’t talk to you like that. Somewhere in the conversation, with a smile on his face, El Capitan reminded her that I was in fact in jail. She was not; she didn’t have to take anything. She could punish me. After she left he called me in there. He was trying not to laugh as he told me Deftone had some things for me to do. He told me I should just apologize, and everything would be fine....
Um, nah.
I was cool with it; I haven’t met many situations I couldn’t talk my way out of. I went into Deftones’s office with my head held high, snarling like El Capitan’s Belgian Mallois, Jager. I told her that I couldn’t believe she went and tattled on me. She was reminding me of Queen Bee when we were kids, now too, but thats a different story. I told her that if she was bad, she would have handled that lil bit of business herself. Every word dug my hole deeper. When I was a kid, I always wondered if I could dig through the earth to China. It took me 31 years to realize that you won’t end up in China, but you will end up in the dog house, literally.
First, though, she wanted me to get on my hands and knees and clean the employee bathroom. You have to understand I was looked at as the privileged child by most of the CO’s. There was not much anyone below a Lieutenant could say to me, at that point, to make me comply if I didn’t want to. I also talked mad smack to everyone of these people on a daily basis. so when Deftone had me cleaning, she made sure to let every other rank and file CO know what that smart-aleck Bardin was doing. They had the best time. I did not. Everyone was laughing at me while I cleaned where they relieved themselves every day. Several of these people needed to stand at least what some men would call 8 inches closer to the toilet. Really they were just about 4 inches short, and these people had the gall to laugh at me while I scrubbed?
I am all about being a servant, but I was locked up. I was starting to feel a little disrespected and was getting mad. Deftone was my person in jail. She did what she could to make me feel as at home as much as possible while I had to be there. She usually did good at this but to me this joke went way to far. El Capitan had already told me to just try apologizing, but we were way passed that by this time. The way I was feeling, she better be ready to apologize to me.
She wasn’t. When I went into her office to tell her as much, she was not having it. Before the conversation ended, I found myself outside with Deftone as she locked the gate to Jager’s pen with me on the wrong side of the cyclone. She kept telling me to apologize. There was no way that was happening. I sat in that pen, in that hot sun, in my hot trustee uniform for over an hour. I was standing strong, but lunch was coming. I don’t eat breakfast; I found myself in quite a pickle.
I was angry and hungry. In my head, I had reached the bargaining stage of grief; I had passed denial right around the time I had challenged Jack to be “bad”. As my stomach growled, it told me that I could apologize to Jack and still give her a piece of my mind. All I had to do was say I was sorry until I heard that lock click open. I took my radio and called Deftone. I was ready to negotiate, I mean, apologize.
I told her I was sorry, that I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. This was all very true. She and I were always joking and having a good time. I am not always graceful in my play. When I was in second grade I tried to peg a girl in the leg with a ball at recess but hit her right in the nose. I realized that was how my words came out that morning. Deftone opened the door. I was free! Physically, I was free; emotionally, I was embarrassed and angry.
Deftone always said that I was prone to fits over trivial things. To an insecure man, sometimes his ego is trivial to everyone but him. I told her I wanted to be treated with respect. That she had made me a spectacle. I already felt like a second class citizen everyday having to wear a trustee uniform. This uniform was my Scarlett Letter. At least, I could feel respected in the job I was given to do at the jail. I was faster at booking other inmates into jail than any other person there including CO’s. I took pride in that. El Capitan had taught me to compete with myself and take pride in all of my work. Just as the great MLK jr said, “If a man is called to sweep-streets, he should sweep-streets just as Michelangelo painted...” I didn’t feel the same way about cleaning the bathroom as MLK felt about sweeping streets, I still took a lot of pride in what I did daily. When these same guards came by and laughed at me as I was painting my masterpiece, it made me feel some kind of way 🤬🤬🤬.
As I spoke to Deftone about this, I realized I had done the same thing to her. She had worked so hard to get ahead in a man’s jail, and I had said something to her that, although playful, took away from the drive that drove her to the best she could be. I was truly sorry for that, but I would not be me, if I did not figure out a way to strike back in funnier way.
El Capitan had helped Deftone against me; I knew the seeds I had planted the morning after Hungry’s debacle would only need some of my wordy water to sprout into something great. I was only going to be in jail for a couple of months. I knew I better get to gardening.
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