El Capitan would make the face with his eyes and mouth and the silence in so many different situations. He was consistent in doing it all the time. Generally consistency in how you present yourself allows you to be easily read. It was quite the opposite with El Capitan; his consistency in doing the face in just about any situation made it all the harder to read. I did know that anytime he made the face, the man had really been in deep thought, really using his people-killer, I mean brain.
About 3 weeks before I was to be released, I was chilling at the booking desk one afternoon, per usual. El Capitan’s office was about 8-17 feet away from me depending on which computer I was sitting at. I have mentioned that being in such tight contact with a smart man, who demands excellence from himself and you, like El Capitan can be exhausting. Even when I was chilling, I was always on look out when the man was in his office. I was ready to do whatever he needed. We were always playing chess; I was constantly trying to do things before he even thought about them needing to be done. This didn’t always work.
When it didn’t, I would hear him scream, “BOOOOOYYYYYYYDDDDD!!!”
No matter what I was doing, I would stop and report. El Capitan had things running on an enormously efficient level. I went and sat down to him making his face and complete silence for about 10 seconds followed by the word “what’. Then we had about another 5 seconds of silence. Next, El Capitan finished his thought while still making the face. By the time, he finished saying, “What….do you know about liquid latex and making really nasty fake wounds?”
I was a complete nervous wreck. I had no idea what he was about to ask me. I knew that sometimes, as my release date approached, I wasn’t too interested in working too hard unless El Capitan had something specifically for me to do. It wasn’t that I was leaving working undone, but by that time, I had 3 trustees learning to do what I was doing, so they could continue the job after I left. They had it handled; I was truly a supervisor. When El Capitan would go to lunch, the booking section of the jail would be running like a dream, and I could be caught on a couple of days taking a nap or catching up on serial killers shows in my room. I would always be back by the time my boss returned. We didn’t talk about it, but I did know this man has more eyes than a spider. I was pretty sure he was about to ask about that during the pause part of his question. I was prepared to tell the truth during that pause. I had to tell him the truth, if he asked. Thats rule #1.
I was shocked to be hearing about liquid latex, and its use in movies. I had no idea what he was getting to. Then all of a sudden he said, “What you think Deftone would do if she found you badly injured?”
Ya’ll!!! Nothing feels better than to see a plan come together! I had planted these seeds months before this day. I must have one heck of a green thumb, because El Capitan was ready to help me take my revenge. One of the biggest things he taught me was that a goal is a dream with a plan. I certainly had a dream of paying Deftone back for the all the laughs I had to endure that day in the bathroom. Now, with El Capitan, we could build a plan. All of a sudden, I have a goal of taking Deftone’s soul with a prank so well planned and thought out that she would never see your boy raising up out of the dog house to strike with fake blood, a wooden stake, and a little liquid latex, oh, and acting worthy of an Oscar!!!
We had a wood shop at the jail. It was run by another trustee, named Pablo. Pablo is the greatest artist, I have ever been around. El Capitan and I discussed how I could get hurt working in the wood shop. I wanted to go a little deeper than that. I wanted her to feel responsible for me getting hurt. I wanted her to think El Capitan thought she was responsible for my injuries. This meant I had to get creative.
Deftone would never think I would actually be in the wood shop working. As we talked, I told El Capitan that my mom’s birthday was coming up. I have always been pretty crafty at making cool, original gifts for people, so I was going to tell Detone that I wanted to make something for my mom. I would tell her that I would get permission from El Capitan to spend some time in the wood shop. She was quite unsuspecting that me making a gift for my mom had anything to do with a prank, talk about nativity. She was toast.
Shockingly, El Capitan told me to run working out there by Deftone; he was all about reporting to the proper person above you in the organization flow chart. Of course, generally I reported directly to El Capitan, but with his marine background, Deftone could definitely buy into this line of thinking. I went back to her and said, “El Capitan said its up to you.”
We both knew, there was no chance she was going to say no about me building something for my mom’s birthday. Deftone had spoken on the phone to my mom. Sometimes she would even tale on me to my mom while I was locked up. Hmmmmm…I am speechless…
Anyways, I told her it wouldn’t take too much time, but I would be out in the woodshop for a few hours over the next few days working on it. When I plan a prank, I plan every minute detail. I put the time in for maximum effect. I do everything in my power to strike the bottom of my victim’s soul. Deftone and I spent several hours on Pinterest figuring out something I could build. I was never planning on building anything, but I got really into into the process of figuring dimensions and arguing over designs. You would of thought I cared so much about this beautiful piece of craftsmanship I was about to make for my dear mother’s best birthday yet.
After hours of planning and debating, I was ready to get to work the next day. The first time he fixed my wound up it was just a practice run. Deftone had given me permission to take all the time I needed for “the gift”. My trustee buddy Pablo was the jail’s very own Picasso. The man is a true artist and can paint anything. We spent about 2 hours getting the stake to where it pointed correctly through my hand. He then built up the wound. He then airbrushes bruises into my skin and the latex. Lastly, fake blood was then slathered on the wound. It looked bad. I mean it looked like I was the victim of a horrible accident on Grey’s Anatomy, at least that was what Deftone would think, stat. I called El Capitan to the shop to take a look. He was impressed to say the least.
The physical part of the prank wasn’t even half of what I was going for. I wanted to wreck Deftone’s psyche. I wanted to control her brain. This meant we needed to go deeper. Queen Bee would tell you she knows no one is equipped for a round of Psychological warfare with me. I leave my feelings on my pillow every morning. Sure, at night, I dream of hearts or lolly-pops, but during the day, “you get it how you live”. When talking to El Capitan that day, I was zoned in. My plan was for someone to call El Capitan and Deftone on the radio together. They would both be in booking and would come out together.
El Capitan would then pull the ultimate boss move and ask why was the head booking trustee in the wood shop. He would also want to know who I asked for permission to be in the wood shop. I, being in such pain, could barely speak, would then slowly point at Deftone with the only good hand I had left.
In my mind, El Capitan would then lose his mind. I knew he wasn’t afraid to act crazy when he wasn’t feeling crazy. Well, maybe he felt crazy all the time, and just sometimes didn’t act like it. Either way, I wanted him to let Deftone have it. I know how the old prison saying goes “laugh now, cry later”. She had laughed as I cried in the dog pen that day. It was her turn to cry while I laughed.
The day arrived. I went and told Deftone I would be in the shop, that I had to cut some wood up on the table saw. Surprise, surprise, she barely paid attention to me. I wasn’t complaining, on this day I was trying to slip between the cracks. After a round or two of Rock Paper, Scissors, to assert dominance over my captor, I slipped out to to get injured. Really, Pablo was waiting on me to get me to looking scary.
After a couple of hours of working on my hand and moving around the jail, covered, to avoid Deftone seeing me, I was ready for action. I had one of the other lieutenants set up a secret cell phone recording. I was ready to set my plan into motion.
We made a call over the radio to El Capitan and Deftone. I also sent the other LT to fetch them. EVERYONE was needed in the shop. The golden child had turned into a vampire and tried to stake himself in the hand. I was sitting down waiting on them. I had a lot of nervous energy, so I went a laser focused place and zoned everything out, including my jailhouse best friend, Goathead. Goathead was Pablo’s assistant and continued working. Generally your friend would be checking on you, but he just continued to measure and cut.
I was prepared to do such a fine acting job that I would keep Deftone’s attention for a minute. Just long enough for El Capitan to get really mad and hopefully throw something a Deftone. I was looking down and rocking back and forth as Deftone rounded the corner. She was walking fast. Definitely faster than she walked to unlock the dog pen that day. Thanks for caring now, but its too late.
I looked up as she stood over me. She was scared and frantic. She looked behind her and asked, “Do we have an ambulance on the way?”
I figured she was looking at El Capitan. She wasn’t El Capitan didn’t come with her!. He must’ve chickened out. That conman!!!! This just meant my acting would have to carry the day. I looked up with biggest “I want my mama” face I could muster and said, “What the crap am I gonna do Deftone?”
Just like so many women before her, she told me to “chill out”. Um, hello!! I have a piece of wood through the hand that didnt get pulverized by mailboxes. I am most definitely not chill. There was nothing left for me to say.
Now was the time for El Capitan to pipe in, surely he would save me. He was no where to be found. I had been left on an island. She then looked at me and was continuing her monologue of care as she looked at Goathead working. She knew that wasn’t right. That dude barely worked when nothing was going. His best friend had a piece of wood through his hand, so now he decided to work hard? She was not buying that.
I could see her face when she put everything together. I knew the gig was up. Once she fully realized what was going on she kicked me, like the dog I am.
We laughed and laughed. I took my hand all over the jail freaking people out. The undersheriff ran towards me to save and tripped. What a hero! I was pretty sure in that moment I was going to spend the rest of my sentence in lock down. I helped him up and then left that situation hoping he didn’t know my name.
A lot of people have questions about healthcare for the incarcerated. Well let me summarize that whole healthcare argument in just a few sentences. I went towards the medical portion of the jail calling for a nurse. One ran towards me. As she approached, I took my hand out of the towel. The nurse then turned around said a few cuss words and ran back to medical never to be seen again. Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
After everything, I had some questions for El Capitan. Where was he? He was supposed to be there to really drive this situation home. I’m his guy. I needed to know.
Sadly, I never got an answer as to what happened. When I asked, El Capitan grimaced his eyes, raised one side of his mouth, and said absolutely nothing. Shocker! He went radio silent on me again. We stared at each other a little while. I got so umcomfortable that none of my previous questions mattered.
This is going to sound crazy, but I had a lot of fun when I was locked up. Never let your situation define you. I woke up everyday in jail ready to “sweep my street” the best I knew how. El Capitan challenged me daily and taught me how to be the man I am today. Deftone kept me inline while also helping to make me feel as at home as possible when I was inside. I found great comrodery with Sweet Pea, Hungry, Goathead, and all my trustee brothers.
There were rough days while I was there. I haven’t even told y’all about LT The King tasing me and pretending I got electrocuted by an outlet 6 inches away. The key to getting through all the days behind the wall was the laugher I shared with all of these people. We did big pranks, but I also had small inside jokes with each of them. I loved them, and they truly showed me the love they had for me on a daily basis. They still do. I continue to speak with many of them. We laugh and reminisce, but we also speak on life while also speaking life into each other. El Capitan still challenges me each time we speak. I want to conquer life. Sometimes you start your path as a conqueror as a prisoner who knows how to smile.
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