During my rounds with addiction, I have had victories and defeat. This will tell of a time of defeat, but don’t you know his joy comes in the morning? I serve a God who mends broken hearts. As you read remember if he can mend mine, then he can most certainly mend yours. It tells of a time I took my eyes off Jesus and forgot who the fixer of my soul and hero of heart really is.
Rebuilding my life the first time was hard. Rebuilding my life the second time was almost impossible; especially, since a relapse always leaves his best friend, Severe Acute Depression, with me after he’s gone. If you have read on addiction at all, then you have seen the phrase, ‘Relapse is a part of Recovery’. If you have heard this, you may think that this means a recovering addict is living a great life of recovery, and all of a sudden falls into a syringe full of heroin by complete accident. This would cause the person to go from recovery to active addiction in one fell swoop. This isn’t exactly how it went down for me.
I mentioned in ‘Batman and Robin’, I had dated a girl a while back named Austin. When we first started talking we both had years of sobriety. Her time a little longer than mine. Immediately, upon realizing we had strong feelings for each other, Austin started telling me that she was not in a good place for a relationship, but I’m Bardin-man. I could heal her heart and help her to see colors again. If anyone could, I could.
I had known Austin about 9 years prior and during that time we became FaceBook friends. I kept up with some of her posts and noticed she was pretty funny and definitely cute. I decided to hit her up. We talked all the time. She and I had real conversations about Jesus and where He has shown up in each of our lives, music, books, dreams, and struggles. I knew Austin had been taking Kratom extract drinks, but she was in the process of quitting. This was perfect; Bardin-Man could help her get off of Kratom. It may have not been perfect timing for her, but for me, it was right on time. I had not saved someone in a really long time. It was time to get my hands dirty.
We went on our first date; it went great. We were meeting on our lunch break, but she got caught up with a client. I waited on her at our meeting spot for a while, without hearing from her in about 30 minutes. I had to get back to work, so I left. As I drove on the interstate back to work, I got a call from Austin; I told her I had to go back into work. Wrong thing to say. She busted into tears; Austin has always been incredibly dramatic. I wanted to make her feel better. I hated hearing her cry. I turned around; a damsel in distress? Work could wait.
We met, rode around, and got slushies from Sonic. The chemistry was so electrifying; I got lost for about 15 minutes on the same North Jackson streets I had run my whole life. Right now, I could draw a map from memory of the streets I got lost on. Actually, I may do just that to prepare for the Alien invasion of Jackson (lots of people will need saving). Back to the date, I was hooked to the gills. When she realized I got lost just from her presence (I made sure to let her know), she was hooked too.
A couple of days later, she texted after work and wanted to go get a bite to eat. I said sure; we had been texting and talking constantly since our lunch date. I couldn’t wait to see her. She was going to come by my apartment and scoop me up. I had 10 minutes to put my clothes and cape on; at least 1 person might need a hero. When she was close, she sent me her location to come down and meet her outside.
I got down, and there was my beautiful date smoking a Black and Mild Wine. Huh? This was different. For a second, I laughed. I thought she was just seeing what I would say. This was definitely something she would do; I knew she was playful. I figured out she wasn’t joking when she lit her next one with her old one before throwing it out. What the heck?
I got over it pretty quickly. Honestly, before the night was over she was looking pretty cute chain smoking Blacks. The Bible tells us that our heart is deceitful above all. My heart was falling for this girl by the second. My brain had checked out and everything she did intoxicated me. Including offering me a sip of the Kratom, I had so valiantly volunteered to save her from. What was I to do?
I didn’t want her to feel like I was judging her. I knew it was a mistake, but it wasn’t illegal. It wasn’t heroin. It wasn’t going to kill me. I could take a sip tonight and have fun with Austin. Tomorrow, I could help her to stop taking it. What a plan! This was exciting. After taking a swig, I realized that stuff should be illegal. I got super high. It was a shame it had to end the next day.
You guys know how young love is. When we left each other Friday night, we were both sad, because it was going to be a few days until we saw each other again. By 4 pm Saturday, we had plans to hang out that night. This would be great I could talk to her about not taking Kratom. I could help her know it was easy to quit, because I wasn’t going to take anymore. My plan was working!
Turns out, this plan sucked. By 4:30 pm, I had asked her to pick me up a few bottles. Things were going to be fine guys, it wasn’t illegal. Like Bryan from Half-Baked, “I wasn’t gonna do, what everyone thinks I was gonna do.” Life went on like this a for a while; it was going to be fine. I tried not to think about spending $100 in a day on Kratom the first time it happened. This plan did work. By not thinking about it, the next day I spent $100 again. It may not have worked when I was using illegal, hard drugs, but this could work with ‘just’ Kratom. I was making ok money. I wouldn’t have a lot of disposable income, but I’ve lived worst before. This cycle went on for a while.
Dates 3-5 for Austin and I were spent playing a game called “Diagnose That Disorder”. We would spend large chunks of the time figuring out what was wrong with each other. It was weird, but kinda fun. Austin always said I acted “fake offended” towards her during this time. She’d call me on something that was too true that other people had never called me on, and I’d act just so hurt. She knew I wasn’t hurt. Just weirdly flirting; y’all already know I’m barely ok. She caught on quickly to some of my endearing schemes. We would laugh for what seemed like hours at the most trivial things. It was fun. She made my heart feel less alone in this world. I will say this again the heart is deceitful above all things. The fun, laughing, loving, and Kratom distorted my view of reality. My brain battled with my heart daily. In the end, my heart told me everything was fine.
One day, Austin and I would be so in love; the next day we would get into a fight and not talk for a few weeks. When we were around each other, she would give me such energy. The world would look different, and I would begin to miss this. I would write her a poem, or once, I went around to everywhere we had been on a date to and took a picture of me there without her. It was around 11 places. I then sent her a snap story of us looking happy at those places together, then one of me there by myself looking sad. I know, sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair. Say what you want, she would come back every time. It was a very healthy situation for both of us.
The last time one of these fights happened, we didn’t talk for a month. In that month, I started talking to another girl named Eminem, but Austin was always on my mind. I thought about her on the daily. It wasn’t that Eminem wasn’t great. She is funny, smart, and absolutely gorgeous. She was also taken, in a bad relationship. This meant sometimes Eminem would put me on the back-burner. That was fine; maybe, if I played my capes right and didn’t spend all my money on Kratom(fat-chance), I could save both of them from themselves. I decided this was the best course of action. They both NEEDED me, so I sent Austin a poem. It worked; soon, both ladies were talking to and seeing Bardin on the regular. I’d see Eminem when she could get away, and Austin all the other time. Luckily for me, Eminem would send me photos on Snap for when she was unavailable; I saved these photos on my phone.
Eminem knew about Austin, although I may have downplayed the relationship a bit to her. She didn’t like it, but what could she say? I didn’t consider myself to be cheating on Austin. She would always tell me that she was too damaged to be anyone’s forever. She’d always pick fights and stop talking to me for weeks on end. This stuff made me sad. My family could tell when we were in a fight, because it not only affected mine and Austin’s relationship; it affected my whole world, my very personality and self-worth. This is the definition of codependency.
I do the stupidest stuff sometimes. I knew Austin had looked through my phone a few months prior, but she said she wouldn’t do it again (please laugh, that was a joke). This meant when she asked for my password to change the music one night, I gave it to her and never changed it. A few days later I slept at Austin’s apartment and was going to go to work straight from there.
When I woke up I could tell something was not ok. When Austin looked at me, her face said, “Bardin, I’m really upset with you. I am hurt to my soul. Say a word I don’t like and see what happens.” I am an over-thinker and knew if I didn’t ask what the problem was, then It would worry me all day. I was sure it was just my imagination. So I asked.
It wasn’t my imagination; she had gone through my phone and seen pictures and words she was not supposed to. I could tell in her eyes she was destroyed. She wasn’t even mad. I left and did not talk to Austin for about a week. I felt absolutely terrible. I hated myself for hurting her like this. The only thing I could think that would help was more Kratom. Thats what I did, I would drink it somedays until my stomach hurt.
One Saturday after not seeing or talking for a while, I was at my apartment alone, and Austin showed up drinking with a bag of cocaine and demanded I shoot her up with it. I told her absolutely not. I wasn’t a drug addict. Sure, I drank Kratom everyday, but, like I said, its not illegal. I was doing just fine, but she had a problem. I wasn’t going to help her with this; she had never been an IV drug user. She was in tears as she said, “Fine, I’ll get Sam (a random homeless dude) to do it for me. He doesn’t care about me, so he will hopefully make me OD.”
That wasn’t going to work for me. I’m a hero, who, at this time of my life, didn’t get my super powers until I’m a sip or 2 into a bottle of Kratom. Luckily, I had drank a little of my K that day; I was ready to do something crazy powerful, actually, just crazy. Freaked out and crying, I shot her up and sent her home.
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