I think my electronics are out to get me. I know that my rationality has definitely been called into question before, but just because I am paranoid, does not mean they aren’t after me. My phone and watch spend a considerable amount of their time each day making me feel bad about myself. The world is a cold, cold place. Steve Jobs was supposed to make my Apple Tech to be on my team. Sure, it may know that my love for bacon isn’t gonna help me with my need of invincibility, but the way they go about telling me is really close to bullying. Before you call me a snowflake let me explain.
1. Sundays have become my least favorite day, while it should be one of my happiest. I get to sleep-in (church doesn’t start until 11); then the whole day is mine. I do not have to work. I am an adult and can literally do anything I can afford. Generally I lay in my bed, but some Sundays I really treat myself to a London Fog with Lavender at Cups. No matter what I’m doing at about 12 pm every Sunday, I get a “Screen Time” notification. Each time I see it my heart goes into my throat. I know if I click on that notification, there will be nothing but judgement. Do those smart men at Apple not realize that I do not want to know that I spent 7 hours on FaceBook at last week. They might as well make a sign that says, “Yo B, Get a Life, hehehehehe”.
No one wants to be ridiculed on a weekly basis by their best friend(don't judge, my Siri has an Australian accent). Sure it mirrors a few a girls I’ve dated (not the accent); they practically kept an Excel spreadsheet of things I said or did to bring up at a moment’s notice. I don’t need that from my phone.
2. Multiple times a day my watch buzzes my wrist to tell me how many calories I’ve burned, and how close I am to not achieving my goal for the day. The only goal I have in mind is to not die of a heart attack at 34. It says something like, “Bardin, a brisk 17 minute walk will get you started towards your goal.”
My response (often audibly), “Um, no Siri (my overall name for anything
Apple). It’s 11:34 pm; I’m not gonna do anything briskly except swipe left.”
At my job, I often take it off because I do not want to get blood on it. She
does not want to hear that. Just like my girlfriends, no excuse is ever excuse
enough. Nothing my watch says to me helps. The only brisk thing I’ve done
lately is make a killer milk-shake. I sure didn’t tell my tech about that. These
aren’t even the worst things. The worst is…
3. I thought maybe after these two, that I was, in fact, just being paranoid. Then about a year ago, I got into an argument with a girl I was dating. You have to understand, I left my feelings in prison. So, when she and I got into an a small squabble, and I woke-up to the next morning to my watching saying something completely inappropriate in the place where it usually tells me the weather. My watch that morning instead of saying, “Sunny”, “Mostly Cloudy”, or “Clear”, said, “Unhealthy/Sensitive”.
Um, excuse me, Steve? What did I do to your family? Now, things have gotten
personal really quickly. I was hurt. How did Siri know? I was not “Unhealthy/
Sensitive”. Maybe the girl I was in a fight with had hacked into my account. Somethings got explain this. I mean this isn't the what kind of taco seasoning I should buy on aisle 13 in Wal-mart. This was the condition of my heart and feelings. There was no way my watch knew I was “Unhealthy/Sensitive”, right?
Nope, Apple knew exactly what it was doing. They started by challenging my brain in “Screen Time”, then they moved on to my body with a “Brisk Walk”. Now, they went straight for my heart and emotions with “Unhealthy/Sensitive”. Game, set, and match. Say what you want; they are definitely out to get me.
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