I’m getting weirder. I have the hardest time controlling what I say. Its like I say these things, and then I picture myself sitting in class hearing myself. What is wrong with me? Group class is every Wednesday night, and each class my plan is to stay quiet. At 5:55 pm every Wednesday night, even if you dont know me, you can know that I’m preparing myself to be quiet and listen to my teacher.
At 6:03 pm every Wednesday night, even if you don’t know me, you can know that I’m failing miserably at this quest.
I go to a HBCU. I love my teachers and my classmates. Honestly, I can say that they are my friends. This does not stop me from making a complete fool out of myself each Wednesday. I had a girl a couple weeks ago ask me, “Do you even hear yourself?” Obviously this problem is not new. It has been going on.
In a class of 20-25 people, I am the only white person and one of only three guys. It is so hard for me to say normal things. Each week, a different person leads group for us. Last week one of my classmates asked us to to bring bandanas to class this week. I asked, “What color?’
Here….right here…This is where I shut-up and listen and be normal.
Instead, I stood up and start yelling, “BETTER NOT SAY RED, BETTER NOT SAY RED, BETTER NOT SAY RED!!! What the heck, how am I the only person in there who thought she meant we were about to clique up? I have never even been in a gang. I know some gang members. The only thing I can come up with is that deep down, if I let my guard down for a single second the ‘g’ in me will rise up!
Now tonight, at 6:05 pm my teacher asked what type of irrational thinking we suffered from (besides the thought that I should ever speak again)?
Here I am, I’m the clown! My dumb self says, “That I thought she would love me forever.”
My teacher said, “That’s not irrational thinking.”
Then I said with a smirk, “I know; the irrational part was I believed her. “
My class went wild, but my teacher remained calm and said all-knowingly, “No Bardin, for that I charge $150 an hour.”
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